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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27331984">oh god</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cutiemcgrath/pseuds/Cutiemcgrath'>Cutiemcgrath</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:19:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,654</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27331984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cutiemcgrath/pseuds/Cutiemcgrath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A short look into Dani's life before she came to Bly</p><p>Mentions of internalized homophobia so be aware!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dani Clayton/Jamie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>91</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>oh god</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Remember when I said I wasn't a writer.....</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dani recognized early on that she was being pushed into a relationship with Eddie. It was what was expected of her. They were childhood friends of the opposite sex. To everyone but her it just made sense. She never felt that way about him, though. She went along with it because his family had welcomed her in when she desperately needed it. When her father was long gone and her mother had drunk so much that she forgot about dinner, Eddie’s family was there with open arms. They were the only family she knew. So of course her future involved Eddie. She never thought about being more than friends until Eddie’s family started giving them knowing looks when she would come over every day after school. When they spent seemingly all their time together and all the girls at school talked about how Eddie looked at her, and it was said with a multitude of giggles. She didn’t get it, but she just figured she was a late bloomer. She had never thought of Eddie like that, why would she. He was her best friend. </p><p>One night, when she was at some party for someone who’s name she wouldn’t remember in 5 years time, after high school was long over and she had moved on with her life, a group decided to play spin the bottle. Eddie grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the circle, this was their first party at the age of 15. He was so excited that they were invited, “How could we not, Danielle?” It took 4 turns before someone landed on her, a pretty girl she had known since she was 8. A girl who she was always infatuated by, who she caught herself looking at a little longer than necessary, absolutely desperate to be her friend for a reason she couldn’t put her finger on. Everyone laughed and giggled, gave each other scandalized looks, said they didn’t have to do it. That the girl could get a do-over. But in an attempt to bring this girl into her life, and for both of them to look like they were both up for anything and were the carefree, wild girls all the boys at school seemed to like, they both shuffled into the middle of the circle. The kiss was no more than a peck, but when the girl pulled away Dani found herself chasing her for a split second before her mind caught up with her. Within those mere seconds that their lips had touched, Dani’s entire axis shifted. She got what the songs on the radio meant, about how fireworks exploded when you kissed someone. How your entire heart would jolt. The next person spun and the night moved forward, but Dani didn’t get how they could just keep going after something so monumental had happened. </p><p>The panic began to rise, though, when she realized what this meant. She wasn’t supposed to feel like this because of girls. It was supposed to be boys that made her feel like this, boys that she had almost never spared a second glance at. All boys except Eddie, her best friend. </p><p>She couldn’t be like this, she wished this had never happened. So she pushed it down. If any boy was going to make her feel a fraction of what that kiss had made her feel, it was going to be Eddie. Eddie who knew everything about her. Eddie who everyone already assumed she was dating. Eddie who said they were always going to be in each other’s lives, who’s mom practically thought of her as her own daughter. So she threw herself into a relationship with him. Every time they kissed, and it made her feel nothing, she thought maybe next time. Maybe next time will be the time. Maybe the next touch will feel more right. </p><p>She found that pushing a part of herself down made her feel dazed. She was simply drifting, she realized. She kept thinking it would get easier, that every woman that she passed in the street that caused her gaze to drift and stay there for longer than necessary wouldn’t make her feel such an intense sense of longing. But it never changed, of course it didn’t, and each time it happened it caused her more and more anxiety. Because this simply couldn’t be her. People like her couldn’t be real, she refused to even think the word gay. They were just people others made fun of, they were misguided and awful and going to hell, everyone said so. So her life with Eddie progressed, first with prom, then with graduation, college, engagement, it was all planned out for her. Which simultaneously made her feel better and worse. Better, because it involved little thought, she was used to this, doing what was expected of her, and worse, because it wasn’t her, she couldn’t be herself. As the wedding Eddie’s mother was planning, under the guise that Dani was making the decisions when in all actuality she was just agreeing to whatever was put in front of her, drew nearer and nearer, the anxiety became stifling. Choking her every time someone brought it up. Every time she felt the weight of the engagement ring on her left hand that she never got used to because of all it represented. Of the lie she was living, despite what she told herself every morning when she woke up. </p><p>It came to a head 6 months before the wedding. It had been months since the tailor that was fitting Eddie’s moms dress for her, her wedding dress, she mentally corrected herself, but she still couldn’t shake the encounter. The way the woman’s hands felt on her arms as she measured and pinned. How she brushed her hair away and touched her waist as she complemented her shoulders, how their eyes met in the mirror and she realized, oh, she’s like me. While running some errands she saw the woman again. She wasn’t alone, however, she was with another woman. One with whom she exchanged looks and casual touches and knowing laughs with. The comfort they exuded around each other made Dani’s chest ache. That’s when she realized, no one was gawking, no one was laughing or yelling that the two women were existing the way they were. Maybe no one even noticed that they were the way they were with each other, but Dani did. </p><p>That moment stuck in her mind for weeks, eating away at every wall she had put up to block out the part of her that was like that. However, she noticed after this encounter that every moment spent with Eddie, every moment living a lie, became more and more unbearable. Every fake smile she had to put on when asked if she was excited about the wedding, when she was asked if she was excited about starting her life with Eddie, every night she had to spend in bed next to him, became even more stifling. She had to get out of this, she realized. She couldn’t end up bitter and empty like her mother, drinking every night to dull the pain of her life, of the cards she had been dealt. She had to do something, she couldn’t keep living this lie. Plus, Eddie said he loved every part of her, maybe he could love her after this too, she reasoned with herself. </p><p>So she built her resolve, she decided she would end things. She still hadn’t decided if she would tell Eddie she was like that, but she could see how the conversation went first. It went horribly, of course it did. She was telling him she had been living a lie for the last 6 years, that every part of their life together had been a lie. But she never expected it to go this poorly, to end with Eddie dead. So she ran, and she hid, and she tried to build a new life for herself. She only admitted to herself in the quiet moments of the dead of night the absolute relief she felt. That she had gotten out of the wedding and the situation with the O’Maras. She was content to be alone if it meant she didn’t have to live a lie. </p><p>Of course that all changed in a single second, as things usually do. The moment her eyes landed on the gardener on her first day at Bly, she felt something new, something different. The same infatuation she had felt for other women but this time it seemed to be amplified by 10. She couldn’t figure out why Jamie had burrowed in to her mind the way she did, but Dani couldn’t seem to shake her smile or the way she laughed or the way she always had dirt on her face from the hours spent in the garden. It took her longer than she would care to admit to realize she had nothing holding her back from getting to know Jamie more, from trying to get to know her like that. She couldn’t be making up the heat she felt when their eyes met, the way Jamie always seemed to know exactly what to say to make her feel better, the way Jamie tried to stay in her orbit for as long as possible with every encounter. She couldn’t be making that up, she just couldn’t. </p><p>So she started testing the waters, it started with a hand hold after Jamie stayed with her when Peter Quint started appearing around Bly. After they had a deep talk about love and possession, and Dani realized that Eddie had been the Peter in her life, mixing up the two. She decided to take the chance, to pour every ounce of longing in her body into her thank you to Jamie, into the squeeze of her hand, and when Jamie squeezed back, she finally felt free.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Anyways follow me on tumblr @jamiexdani</p></blockquote></div></div>
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